


Touch

by Ruquas



Series: Clint Barton Bingo [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Clint Barton Bingo, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, MCU Kink Bingo, Past Sexual Abuse, Pre-Slash, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 09:49:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18363581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruquas/pseuds/Ruquas
Summary: Summary: He felt the bile rising in his throat and swallowed it down. The look on Clint’s face was already shattered enough, Phil doubted that it would do them any good now if he would go to the bathroom to puke out the meager meal he had in the evening.





	Touch

When they first brought him in, he didn‘t look that different from the other kids they‘d found. A bit older maybe, a bit thinner, a few more muscles, but overall? The same haunted look in those big eyes which were darting around the makeshift office, looking for another way to escape except the door he came through.

When Phil learned that this boy killed six agents and hospitalized three more without a weapon before they could catch him, he was interested.

When did he saw what the boy could do with bow and arrow but was still too afraid to touch the food in front of him? He knew that he would do everything to protect the boy, no matter what he had to do for it.

Nick had given him the responsibility, made it clear that whatever the boy messed up, it would be Phil’s responsibility to clean up the mess. He never regretted the choice.

-*-*-

Carefully, Clint opened the door to Phil’s quarters. It wasn’t even locked and Phil had allowed him to come to him anytime, but that had been before… before Loki. Before Loki, Phil had even allowed Clint to stay for the night, sometimes. Once, even in his bed. Most times, Clint slept on the floor, or the couch if there was one. Sometimes even without a mission. Phil always said that it was his responsibility as a handler to make sure that Clint slept enough and therefore could always come to him if he needed company. Clint never took advantage of this offer. He didn’t want Phil to have any problems because Clint was needy. He even refused the offer to have to bed on one mission. Phil had needed it more.

 _Good boys are only allowed in bed if they earned it_ , the voice in his head droned. 

He wasn’t a boy anymore but that didn’t change anything. No matter what his therapist said, he knew that he would always be fucked up. And he hadn’t earned anything more from Phil than the occasional touch, he knew that. It didn’t mean that he wouldn’t be more than happy to earn more than that. But Phil... he never showed any interest in him. And that was okay, Clint understood. He wasn’t a boy anymore and even back then he was just average. Not like some of the boys who were earning their stays just through their looks. Phil could have whomever he wanted to. And now, he also could have someone younger. Clint just wished that he could’ve at least once feel the other man while he used him, just once, knowing how it was. But he knew that he missed the chance when he was younger. And it was okay. It just made him a bit sad.

But tonight, he’d reached his breaking point. Phil hadn’t even touched him since he came back other than the hug Clint couldn’t keep in. He would take whatever he needed to take, whatever Phil decided to dish out, he just wanted to be near Phil again.

“You know that staring at sleeping people that most people consider as normal?”, asked Phil his voice sleep ridden and still more awake than he should’ve been. Clint shrugged and opened the door again. It had been a stupid idea. He hadn’t noticed that he had stared. Or that he already had closed the door. Fuck.

“I am sorry. Won’t happen again.”, Clint whispered and turned around. Stupid, so stupid. He should’ve just beg the other man, as they’d taught him. Afterward, he sometimes got what he had begged for. Maybe Phil would touch him. Clint would even take hits, whatever it was, it was better than knowing that Phil finally saw how useless he was.

A few steps down the corridor, a hand closed around his arm and he froze.

“Come on. We can talk inside.”, Phil said, every trace of sleep lost.

Clint nodded and relished in the short touch. He knew what talking meant and he whooped inside. Maybe, if he could remember everything correctly, he could show Phil that he could earn those touches again he gave him before everything went to hell. He could show Phil that he could earn those touches maybe even on a frequently base.

When Phil sat down on the soft looking couch (Clint couldn’t kid himself, he would never earn that privilege back, but maybe he was allowed to blow Phil off on it in the future if he could prove himself now) and Clint went down to his knees as fast as he could, ignoring the pain in his kneecaps and reached for Phil’s sweatpants. And then his hands got slapped away.

Frozen, he knelt in front of Phil, trying to remember what he did wrong. Had he been too fast? He knew from before that a few of the men liked the foreplay, liked to be teased, but there weren’t many men that preferred that. Was Phil one of them? Probably. Or maybe Phil had wanted to be asked for permission?

“What the hell are you doing?”, Phil asked, disbelief clear in his voice. Maybe he could still somehow correct his behavior?

“I’m sorry, Sir. How would you like it? I can adapt, it’s not a problem.”, Clint asked, not ashamed to let hope color his voice.

“Oh no, forget it.”

Clint tried to blink away the tears in his eyes. Of course not. Stupid. Strong arms grabbed him and pulled him up. Clint tried to prepare for the pain, for the punishment… for anything. He didn’t prepare himself to be hauled on the couch. It was really as soft as it looked.

“What the hell do you think you were doing?”, Phil asked, voice tight. The older man tried not to scream, Clint knew that. He worked long enough for Phil to know the signs. He knew that he should answer. But he could only shake his head. If he would answer, he’d start begging. And there was no use in begging if Phil was angry. Clint had tried, when he first started working for SHIELD, working for Phil. Phil would just give him a resigned look and send him away.

“Clint. Look up.”, Phil commanded and Clint followed. He really didn’t want to see the anger except… there didn’t seem to be any. Just disappointment. Clint swallowed. That was worse.

“Please. Just tell me why you did that.”

With horror, Clint noted that Phil’s voice broke.

“I… I missed the touch. Before everything, you sometimes touched me if I was good, and I really miss it and then you said we could talk and I thought… with them, it meant I still had a chance to show them that I can be good.”, Clint rushed to explain, looking down in his own lap when he saw the horrified look on Phil’s face.

“I understand that I’m a bit too old for you, really. But I’m good, really. They taught us whatever we needed to know and I know it’s been a while but I can still remember the training. It doesn’t have to be my mouth, I get that it can be distracting to have teeth… down there. You can fuck me, or hurt me. I just need to know how you want it, then I can make it good for you. Please.”

-*-*-

Phil really didn’t know what to say. Sure, Clint Barton on his knees, in front of him was a really nice image. But… that? No. Just, no. He felt the bile rising in his throat and swallowed it down. The look on Clint’s face was already shattered enough, Phil doubted that it would do them any good know if he would go to the bathroom to puke out the meager meal he had in the evening.

It was just wrong. He was technically still Clint’s handler, but even he knew that this excuse was used up, even when Nick had been still the director of SHIELD (Nick told him that more than once), but now after he allowed relationships between agents? He would’ve just to sign a form. And still, just because Clint had offered, it didn’t meant that he wanted a relationship. Hell, it didn’t even meant that he wanted to sleep with Phil. It just meant that those people… those monsters had used more than he had thought.

He sighed and shook his head, tried to ignore the even more crushed look on Clint’s face. He hadn’t known. Neither this (really important) piece from the archer’s past nor that he liked the small touches Phil couldn’t keep to himself. He should’ve known, especially the former. He knew what these people had done to the kids they found. He just had hoped that they left Clint alone because… he’d been even more useful than pocket thieves or anything like that. That he hadn’t offered up him like piece of meat.

Careful, he reached for Clint, pulled him closer, ignoring the bile rising again when Clint flinched.

“You… I’m sorry that I didn’t notice, Clint. You don’t have to… whore yourself out if you want to be touched. And I would never, ever hurt you, at least not intentional, okay?”

“Wouldn’t… I’d like to. I know that I missed the chance when I was still young enough to be attractive to you, but I’d really like to… get touched like that by you. I bet it would feel really nice.”, Clint whispered.

Phil stroked over Clint’s back, tense and hard, muscles tight and nodded.

“What kind of way you’d like to be touched, Clint? I can’t promise you that I’ll do it, but least let me know.”

Clint seemed to stop breathing but didn’t move away. Well, small victories, right?

“This.”, Clint whispered and Phil felt a bit wetness on his shirt. He needed to see if some of those bastards were still alive so he could kill them. No one should ever think they’d need to sleep with someone to just get a few kind touches. Somehow, he doubted that Clint had learned that, even after all those years. He doubted that Clint had told his therapist this… _detail_. Otherwise, he would’ve known. SHIELD had wanted to know so that those kids could get the best help they could offer.

“Sometimes I like to imagine what it would feel like to… to kiss you. Your mouth and your chest. Your thighs. Or what it would be like to get kissed. I know that it's really intimate and but I can’t help it.”, Clint continued and Phil shook his head, swallowing again.

“Continue.”

“I liked it when you let me sleep in your room. Or when we had to share the bed, that one time in Slovenia because of the cold. But I love it as much when you just let me stay on the floor or the couch. I’m not picky, and I know that the bed has to be earned.”

Phil tried to remind himself that it wouldn’t do them any good if he would go to the bathroom. It just became… more and more difficult.

“Get up.”

-*-*-

“Get up.”

Clint tried to stop the tears running down his cheeks. That was it. He ruined it. He knew that he shouldn’t have mentioned the bed, that it had only because it had been really really cold. He’d been so thankful that night that Phil had allowed him in his bed that he hadn’t even thought about earning it. He shouldn’t have mentioned. And now the soft touch would be erased that he just received, he would never get touched again.

“Please, Sir. Phil.”, he broke down, going down to his knees again. “Please punish me, at least. I know it’s not worth the time, but please, whatever you want, just don’t… don’t stop it. I won’t make a sound, and you can use whatever you want, just please don’t stop.”

The arms were back and he was pulled up again before Phil walked him a few steps and pushed him down. Clint almost flat lined. The bed. He hadn’t earned the bed. Hastily he tried to get up just to get pushed down again.

“Please, I haven’t earned it and...”, he began and then another thought came up. Maybe Phil wanted to use him while he was in the bed? He had one client like that, once. He liked to pretend that they were lovers. And Phil was a good man, he wouldn’t just sleep with someone for one night, would he? Maybe he likes to pretend, too? Clint could do that. It would break him apart to have this kindness for one night and then have it taken away, but he could do that.

Phil pushed him down and then got in the bed, too. What should he do? The warmth felt nice, Phil even laid an arm across his stomach, but he didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t trained for this. And the client had told him what had been expected from him. But when Clint tried to turn around, the arm just tightened.

“No.”, Phil whispered but made no other move. He didn’t understand. What should he do? How should he…?

“You don’t have to do anything, Clint.”, Phil answered and Clint realized that he had spoken out loud.

“Let’s stay like this. It’s nice, isn’t it?”

Clint nodded. But… just laying in bed, next to each other? What did Phil get out of this?

“Okay, then let’s just do this. But please, please remember, if you want to get up, want to leave or want me to stop touching you, please say so.”

Clint shook his head. Why should he ever want Phil to stop touching him? It was selfish, to want those touches without doing anything for them, but even he wasn’t stupid enough to decline them.

“Promise me, Clint. Promise me, if you don’t want anything that happens tonight or in the morning, that you tell me. That you won’t care what those monsters taught you, that you will tell me, no lies, yes? Nothing more, just tell me and I promise, I won’t be mad, yes?”

Clint hesitated and nodded.

“I… promise.”, he answered and then Phil even kissed his shoulder slightly before pulling back a little.

“I didn’t lie when… when you asked me what I want. I know it’s now allowed with SHIELD, and I wouldn’t make any kind of fuss and wouldn’t embarrass you.”, Clint rushed to say because he had a feeling that it was important. Wasn’t it? At least for Phil.

“That’s good. But let’s see about that in the future, okay? When you’re not as pent-up as you’re now, okay? How about tomorrow, during lunch?”

Clint felt a small smile forming on his face and nodded. That would be nice. It would be really nice. Maybe he could show Phil that he could be worthy of his time, that he could behave himself.

“That’s great.”, Phil answered and yawned slightly and Clint was determined to savor this. Whatever this was at the moment. When Phil decided that he was too much trouble he would remember this for the rest of his days, the warmth, how Phil cuddled up behind him. He would never forget it.

**Author's Note:**

> Created for the Clint Barton Bingo and the MCU Kink Bingo on Tumblr, can also be found here on AO3.
> 
> For me, those two will always be Boss and Employee, no matter what :D


End file.
